HOW TO BLOG EVERY DAY
My beloved agent, Daphne Unfeasible, was just in town. She has left her mountain outpost where she controls her empire, Unfeasible Enterprises, and came to the big city to visit me (and some other people, but I like to think she is just here to see ME).
I told Daphne about Blog Ever Day April, and her response was a strange little noise.
“What?” I asked.
“Every day?” she said. “Your blogs are ridiculously long. If you try to write one of those every day for a month, you’ll die. I’ll have to manage your estate. I’d probably have to bury you, too.”
“I have a playlist for my funeral,” I said. “It’s mostly Swedish disco, Belgian techno . . . and the audiobook of “Robert Pattison, Eternally Yours, an Unauthorized Biography”, which isn’t even the real audiobook, it’s just me reading it into my phone, but I think people will like that . . .”
“HOW are you going to blog every day?”
I pointed to my computer confidently.
“You don’t have a plan,” she said, shaking her head. “This is one of those things that you do where you don’t have a plan. This is one of those things where you wind up calling me at 3 in the morning saying you’re fleeing the country and I have to cover for you. I’m not telling your editor that story about you being a werewolf. Not again.”
I held up a reassuring hand. I have a very calming way when she gets like this.
“Of course I have a plan,” I said smoothly. “I would never embark on a 30 day blog-writing spree without a plan. Let me make you a calming tea and I will tell you all about it.”
Now, as it happened, I did not have a plan, but that is not the kind of thing I tell Daphne. And since I am a Professional Writer, I am fully qualified to Make Things Up.
1. WAKE UP EARLY AND OBSERVE THE WORLD
The Professional Blogger is three steps ahead of the curve. Up with the dawn, he or she scours the internet for the Newest Things to talk about. For example, I woke up before ANYONE just to read about how Obama gave the Prime Minister of England some Region 1 DVDs the other day (Region 1cannot be played on most UK DVD players), and now has given the Queen an iPod, but she’s already got one. And then the Queen gave him a picture of herself.
Which is a pretty craptastic round of gift-giving. And I certainly know the pain. I borrowed this whole set of the @#$&ing Wire from Oscar thinking I could play it on my computer, because my computer has this thing where you can switch regions, so I switched regions so I could watch, and then the stupid DVDs had SCRATCHES or SPACE DUST on them or something and I couldn’t play them! So I had to buy the whole thing off of iTunes, which is fine, actually. And my dad got an iPod at the casino that he tried to give to me, but I already have an iPhone, so I said no, thanks. I’m just saying I can RELATE TO CURRENT AFFAIRS.
Start early, and with a positive attitude.
2. TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID ALL DAY
Many times, the best blogs are simply recounts of what has happened during the day.
If I was not blogging today, I would have probably said that I didn’t do anything yesterday. Just a normal day. Some writing. Made some food. Made some calls. Did some stuff online. It was an Indoor Day. I never really moved more than a few feet away from my desk.
But since I am BLOGGING, I have to take things apart a little more and really EXAMINE my actions. For instance, yesterday I: imitated a seagull, screamed prayers in German, climbed out of a window, got faked out by 250 people online as part of a massive April Fools Day extemporaneous joke, accidentally started a nerd dating service for proms and friendship, danced on my stoop for a bunch of schoolchildren (again, not intentional), read a hundred blogs, sang for my agent, made some quinoa, presented to the first chapter of Scarlett Fever to the world, and ate a cupcake.
Listen, Emily Dickenson, one of the greatest poets that America ever produced, didn’t leave her house for years. Sometimes she didn’t even come out of her room, or wouldn’t even open the door to talk to people, preferring instead to TALK REALLY LOUDLY through the door and to send them weird little messages in baskets she lowered from her window. And she was a GENIUS!
Could Emily Dickenson have kept a blog? Hell, yeah, she could have kept a blog. DID she? No. And I sort of think she would have Twittered more. She was a woman who rocked a 140 character limit.
You don’t need to leave your house to be exciting.
3. TALK ABOUT STUFF ON TV
“This is where it will fall down for you,” Daphne said. “You don’t watch enough TV. You haven’t even SEEN Battlestar Galactica, or Lost, or Real Housewives, or . . .”
She listed a bunch of other shows, but I don’t remember what they are, because I don’t actually watch enough television to keep up. I DO watch television, but I tend to watch a lot of television in England, or I just watch hours and hours of Law and Order while I do other things. And I don’t even watch them, I just listen to them on headphones. But I have gotten so good at this that I can actually predict what face Jack McCoy is making without even looking. (When you read Scarlett Fever—IF you read Scarlett Fever—you will see at once that I know my Law and Order backwards and forwards.)
“I saw this show about children in pageants,” I said. “Toddlers and Tiaras. I watched it for research on stage parenting.”
“Once is not enough,” Daphne said. “If you are going to blog TV, you are going to have to watch ALL of the shows.”
But once again, I go back to Emily Dickenson, who ALSO did not watch any TV, but I think she would have been up to this task JUST FINE and would maybe have produced something like this:
This Toddlers and Tiaras show—
They show on TLC—
It kind of really makes me mad—
I throw s^&t—at my tv—
Those moms—and dads—are so messed up—
They are screwing up their kids—
They’ll all end up—in therapy—
Whatever—lol
Demonstrate your awareness of media and events, and people will be impressed.
I could tell from the way she was giving me a cold, dead, fish-eye and was answering notes on her Blackberry that Daphne could see I had the situation well under control. And so I do, having now successfully met the challenge for TWO DAYS!
I hope these tips can help YOU with YOUR BLOGGING!
I told Daphne about Blog Ever Day April, and her response was a strange little noise.
“What?” I asked.
“Every day?” she said. “Your blogs are ridiculously long. If you try to write one of those every day for a month, you’ll die. I’ll have to manage your estate. I’d probably have to bury you, too.”
“I have a playlist for my funeral,” I said. “It’s mostly Swedish disco, Belgian techno . . . and the audiobook of “Robert Pattison, Eternally Yours, an Unauthorized Biography”, which isn’t even the real audiobook, it’s just me reading it into my phone, but I think people will like that . . .”
“HOW are you going to blog every day?”
I pointed to my computer confidently.
“You don’t have a plan,” she said, shaking her head. “This is one of those things that you do where you don’t have a plan. This is one of those things where you wind up calling me at 3 in the morning saying you’re fleeing the country and I have to cover for you. I’m not telling your editor that story about you being a werewolf. Not again.”
I held up a reassuring hand. I have a very calming way when she gets like this.
“Of course I have a plan,” I said smoothly. “I would never embark on a 30 day blog-writing spree without a plan. Let me make you a calming tea and I will tell you all about it.”
Now, as it happened, I did not have a plan, but that is not the kind of thing I tell Daphne. And since I am a Professional Writer, I am fully qualified to Make Things Up.
1. WAKE UP EARLY AND OBSERVE THE WORLD
The Professional Blogger is three steps ahead of the curve. Up with the dawn, he or she scours the internet for the Newest Things to talk about. For example, I woke up before ANYONE just to read about how Obama gave the Prime Minister of England some Region 1 DVDs the other day (Region 1cannot be played on most UK DVD players), and now has given the Queen an iPod, but she’s already got one. And then the Queen gave him a picture of herself.
Which is a pretty craptastic round of gift-giving. And I certainly know the pain. I borrowed this whole set of the @#$&ing Wire from Oscar thinking I could play it on my computer, because my computer has this thing where you can switch regions, so I switched regions so I could watch, and then the stupid DVDs had SCRATCHES or SPACE DUST on them or something and I couldn’t play them! So I had to buy the whole thing off of iTunes, which is fine, actually. And my dad got an iPod at the casino that he tried to give to me, but I already have an iPhone, so I said no, thanks. I’m just saying I can RELATE TO CURRENT AFFAIRS.
2. TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID ALL DAY
Many times, the best blogs are simply recounts of what has happened during the day.
If I was not blogging today, I would have probably said that I didn’t do anything yesterday. Just a normal day. Some writing. Made some food. Made some calls. Did some stuff online. It was an Indoor Day. I never really moved more than a few feet away from my desk.
But since I am BLOGGING, I have to take things apart a little more and really EXAMINE my actions. For instance, yesterday I: imitated a seagull, screamed prayers in German, climbed out of a window, got faked out by 250 people online as part of a massive April Fools Day extemporaneous joke, accidentally started a nerd dating service for proms and friendship, danced on my stoop for a bunch of schoolchildren (again, not intentional), read a hundred blogs, sang for my agent, made some quinoa, presented to the first chapter of Scarlett Fever to the world, and ate a cupcake.
Listen, Emily Dickenson, one of the greatest poets that America ever produced, didn’t leave her house for years. Sometimes she didn’t even come out of her room, or wouldn’t even open the door to talk to people, preferring instead to TALK REALLY LOUDLY through the door and to send them weird little messages in baskets she lowered from her window. And she was a GENIUS!
Could Emily Dickenson have kept a blog? Hell, yeah, she could have kept a blog. DID she? No. And I sort of think she would have Twittered more. She was a woman who rocked a 140 character limit.
3. TALK ABOUT STUFF ON TV
“This is where it will fall down for you,” Daphne said. “You don’t watch enough TV. You haven’t even SEEN Battlestar Galactica, or Lost, or Real Housewives, or . . .”
She listed a bunch of other shows, but I don’t remember what they are, because I don’t actually watch enough television to keep up. I DO watch television, but I tend to watch a lot of television in England, or I just watch hours and hours of Law and Order while I do other things. And I don’t even watch them, I just listen to them on headphones. But I have gotten so good at this that I can actually predict what face Jack McCoy is making without even looking. (When you read Scarlett Fever—IF you read Scarlett Fever—you will see at once that I know my Law and Order backwards and forwards.)
“I saw this show about children in pageants,” I said. “Toddlers and Tiaras. I watched it for research on stage parenting.”
“Once is not enough,” Daphne said. “If you are going to blog TV, you are going to have to watch ALL of the shows.”
But once again, I go back to Emily Dickenson, who ALSO did not watch any TV, but I think she would have been up to this task JUST FINE and would maybe have produced something like this:
This Toddlers and Tiaras show—
They show on TLC—
It kind of really makes me mad—
I throw s^&t—at my tv—
Those moms—and dads—are so messed up—
They are screwing up their kids—
They’ll all end up—in therapy—
Whatever—lol
I could tell from the way she was giving me a cold, dead, fish-eye and was answering notes on her Blackberry that Daphne could see I had the situation well under control. And so I do, having now successfully met the challenge for TWO DAYS!
I hope these tips can help YOU with YOUR BLOGGING!
Views: 4
Comment
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Comment by Arka on April 5, 2009 at 5:05pm -
“If you are going to blog TV" - haha
This is really helpful advice for (any) bloggers. Especially the "OBSERVE THE WORLD" part. Woo BEDA!
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Comment by bandmum on April 5, 2009 at 2:08am -
Cary Grant & Jimmy Stewart - mj, you are a class act!
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Comment by foolery on April 3, 2009 at 2:50pm
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Maybe I'm getting this whole BEDA thing all wrong. I thought all we had to do was POST every day. You mean we actually have to BE BRILLIANT every day, too?
Because I can't do that, and I accidentally dance for toddlers A LOT.
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Comment by Maureen Brunner on April 2, 2009 at 11:57pm -
Brevity isn't my strong suite. So, your advise is timely. Would have been more timely had I read your post before writing my own
short story, I mean blog.
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Comment by Jordan Jimjamz on April 2, 2009 at 11:15pm -
NO SOUND! =D
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Comment by Lucy on April 2, 2009 at 10:26pm -
This whole BEDA thing just got so much better. You are amazing. This idea is amazing. This site is amazing, as is everyone on it. TY!!!
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Comment by Holly Hill on April 2, 2009 at 10:22pm -
haha you have a stoop! aweeeeeesome. and that toddler show..is awful. it's the saddest thing I've ever watched. They're all lying through their teeth when they say "I'm only doing this because my two year old LOVES to do it! The day she doesn't want to do it...we'll stop." YEAH RIGHT! Silly people..
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Comment by Gwendolyn Felton on April 2, 2009 at 10:06pm
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'because my computer has this thing where you can switch regions'
I.Love.You.
I purchased a DVD from another region the other day and haven't been able to get it to play. This just totally made my day!
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Comment by Scott Perkins on April 2, 2009 at 7:53pm -
What a fantastic idea!
- If you ever read the newspaper and snort and make a comment to the person sitting next to you, that's a blog post.
- If you find yourself talking to the radio... that's a blog post
- if you sing in the shower? Blog post.
- make a funny comment to a friend? Yeah, that's a blog post too.
The world is full of things to talk about. Thanks for getting the conversation started!
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Comment by Starr_Stacey on April 2, 2009 at 7:50pm -
Yes, the Robert Pattinson reference made my day. Anything anyone say about him makes me perk right up. I tweeted Daphne for you because I have faith in your blogging!
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